Sometimes it takes a simple object lesson and a dose of karma for the narcissist before they finally ‘get’ what is blatantly apparent to the rest of us.
Three Words No One Wants to Hear : “ Meet Your Replacement”
Dear Narcissist, imagine walking into work Monday morning —briefcase and coffee in hand to find someone else sitting at your desk. You demand to know who they are and why they are in your office and your chair—no less! You get nothing but a condescending look and an icy stare. Quickly, you run to your boss’s office, intending to report the intruder. To your dismay, your boss shrugs and says:
“Yeah, well, things have changed. The person at your desk emailed me his resume late Friday afternoon, and I couldn’t help but check him out. Frankly, I was swept away by what he offered compared to you. Then, once I decided to go with him, I felt it best to get on with things, so I moved your items out over the weekend and contacted HR. We’ve already assigned him your office, title, salary, and bonus package.
(Patting you on the back.) But I know you; you’re a survivor. I’m confident you’ll land on your feet, even without any salary continuation. I also allocated your unused vacation time to them; it helped me sweeten the deal.
Try not to take this personally. I assure you, you did nothing wrong. You always did what you said you would, and everyone around here knows you’re the nicest person in the world.
But frankly, the new person is –well –new and exciting.
Please take consolation in knowing that I was delighted with you until New Person and their razzle-dazzle newness caught my attention. The bottom line here is that they are more than what I think I deserve at this point.
No hard feelings, old buddy, old pal?”
That’s What Sudden Narcissist Discard is Like
You’re experiencing life as usual, and everything changes the next thing you know .
The self-absorbed can do this in the blink of an eye in their relationships and private lives. However, when the shoe is on the other foot (as in a professional venue like the one described above), these same selfish folks scream like a scalded dog when it happens to them.
Never fear because Dante is standing at the inferno, stoking the fire. In my opinion, not giving someone the basic courtesy of a heads up when life-changing events are afoot is unconscionable —unless one’s physical/mental safety is at imminent risk.
This may require ghosting a physically abusive partner.
Acknowledgments
Many of us had our marriages and long-term relationships end like this.
Cut us a break. We’re not so short-sighted as to believe that being in a relationship is a guarantee that things will never change.
We fully acknowledge that people fall out of love and want to divorce. It happens all the time.
But there is a right and wrong way to make such changes. Blindsiding partners in this manner is never acceptable.
Karma for the Narcissist: The Magic Merry-Go-Round
We’ve all heard it said that what goes around comes around. We, the aggrieved party, may not personally get to see it, but it always happens – -eventually.
There are no sacred cows in the universe. Like us mere mortals, these hit-and-run con artists also have a date with destiny on their books. They cannot (and will not) escape cosmic accountability any more than we will —or have.
Unfortunately, their deluded selfishness often makes us face unpleasant dates with destinies —often suddenly and shockingly. But the bright note here is that when that happens, we get our dates off the books sooner rather than later.
The Takeaway
Well, they get to live, never knowing when the other shoe will drop for them. They get to skip off to live their shiny new life, never knowing what day they will pull their ticket to ride the Magic Bus.
On Valentine’s Day–after decades of marriage–the love of my life became a runaway husband. With no advance warning or communication, he ripped off his mask, allowed his cape to drop to the floor, and vanished into thin air. The takeaway from this is that I now know that you never know what will happen when you wake up in the morning. You may discover something simple — like your dog made a mess on the carpet — or you may learn that your husband is a terrorist about to unleash a thermonuclear weapon in your living room. I discovered the latter. This is my story.
D-Day
It was 10 AM on Sunday. My husband stood combing his hair in front of the bathroom mirror. He called to me from an adjacent room,
“Hey, you wanna go poke around?” “Sure!” I replied with a grin.
The two of us made up the term ‘poke around’. It meant going out with no plan and not being on anyone’s schedule. Whenever we spent the day ‘poking around,’ we’d be hanging out as sweethearts, running our errands, and visiting our favorite date place: Lowe’s.
It might seem mundane to others, but we looked forward to our trips to Lowe’s together.
We browsed the aisles and got inspired to do various renovations and upgrades. We were forever adding to our ‘someday I’ll’ list. It was relaxing to price new cabinets, pick out blinds, debate light fixtures, and vote on the selection of doors, decking materials, etc. — all for projects we knew we’d never start.
Nonetheless, it was a relaxing diversion for two people who worked more hours than they should.
An Unexpected Turn Of Events
Our trip to Lowe’s that Sunday was like any other — until. Until the love of my life pulled the car over into a grocery store parking lot, turned the engine off, and went into total hysterics.
To say that I was blindsided and shocked would be an understatement. I hadn’t a clue what could be causing what looked like a complete mental breakdown with this man. He’d been fine until that point.
I wanted to show my respect and allow him time to collect himself, so I sat there and said nothing. After a moment of silence, I reached over and placed my hand on the back of his neck.
I patted him lovingly between his shoulder blades. Seeing that an explanation was not forthcoming, I sweetly asked what was troubling him. He wailed and replied: “I just don’t know if anything will ever make me happy.”
My first reaction was that he may be starting to slip into a depression. His employer was closing their brick-and-mortar operations and moving to an online-only presence. This upcoming change meant he would soon be part of the downsizing. (But to scream and cry like that?!)
I proceeded with caution.
Again, I caressed him, telling him, “Honey, whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. You know that I’m always here for you.”
All Aboard The Crazy Train
All my life experiences had not prepared me for what was about to happen next. Rather than my words comforting him as I expected, it triggered him, sending him off the mental reservation, or so it seemed.
He wailed and cried even louder, as if a loved one had died. After a while, he finally calmed himself enough to muster a response. He was snubbing like a baby who’d been left all alone to cry until exhausted. Through his snubbing, he dramatically enunciated his short, angry message — one word at a time. Through gritted teeth he hatefully screamed, pausing between each word “Your … Love … For … Me … Is… Not … ENOUGH!”
Wait? What did he just say?!
stunned, I stopped patting his back. I looked down and folded my hands in my lap. I’d seen a lot of stressful situations in my life, but I didn’t know what to make of that out-of-the-blue display of hysteria and angst.
Alternate Reality Or A Parallel Universe?
Then, as if lightning had struck him, he twittered his head and batted his eyes the way a person does when snapped out of a hypnotic trance.
He looked stunned — even surprised —as if he had no idea what just happened. Following that—as if someone pushed The Happy Button—he cocked his head to the side, looked at me, smiled, and in a very giddy, playful tone said: “I’m hungry. You hungry? Cause I’m thinking salmon!” I was aware that he’d asked me a question, and I knew he expected an answer, but I was still trying to make sense of the crazy that was going down here.
All I could do was nod my head and muster a short “Yes, that sounds good.”
He responded in a jovial tone of voice, “Okay then. You stay here. I’ll run in and get it.”
And with that, he pushed open the car door, got out, and walked with a bounce in his step into the grocery store.
As I watched the automatic doors closing behind him, I wondered what in the world was that was about?!
Soon, he returned to the car with freshly-wrapped salmon from the deli and a package of romaine lettuce for our Caesar salad. He pitched the items on my lap and turned on the ignition. We drove home — in silence.
The Last Supper
Back at the house, I placed the items on the kitchen table, and he began rummaging through the cabinets to find the broiler pan. As was our custom, he preheated the oven and started preparing the salmon with garlic butter seasonings. As usual, I washed and cut the lettuce and prepared the salad.
We sat at the kitchen table together and ate (still in silence) when we completed the meal prep.
My husband was the first to finish his meal. He promptly walked to the sink, rinsed his plate and utensils, and placed them neatly in the empty dishwasher.
He then turned and walked upstairs to his man-cave without a word.
After I finished eating, I straightened up the kitchen. Deep in thought, I bent over and as I put my plate in the dishwasher, I asked myself, “What is going on here?!”
Having no answer, I closed the dishwasher door and dried my hands. I hung the towel on the stove handle and set out to do more investigating. As I ascended the stairs, I could see him as the door to his room not quite closed. He was sitting, head down, staring at the computer sitting on his lap.
“Honey, would you like for me to sit and watch the game with you?” I asked. “Suit yourself,” he replied, never bothering to look up from his laptop.
The curtness of his tone was like a harsh kick in the gut.
Lesson Learned: Beware When Only One Person Is Talking
Throughout our marriage, he’d never been one to talk much. I never pressed him to communicate, assuming e would share his thoughts when he felt like it. Today I could see that that this strategy wasn’t working so well for me.
Perhaps it was arrogant of me, but I always assumed that he appreciated this about me.
I also assumed that he knew that this was my way of showing him respect. In hindsight, I see that I was wrong about this — and a lot of other things as it turns out. He’d always been a man of few words — but his lack of communication on this day was different.
The still small voice, my intuition, was screaming. As I walked away, I couldn’t shake that undeniable knot in my gut; I knew there was more to this story. I had to find out what it was.
Disturbed by the remark, “Your love is not enough for me” that he made in the car — and now the curt “Suit yourself!” he made here at home — I nixed any further hesitation. Halfway down the stairs, I turned and went back up and fully opened the door. Apparently, he heard me make the abrupt u-turn on the stairway because this time when I walked in he was looking up from his laptop. Don’t ask me how I knew to ask this, but I blurted out the fateful question: “Honey, you’re wanting to leave, aren’t you?”
Re-queue The Crazy
He once again flipped on the hysterics. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he said while simultaneously flinging his laptop onto the couch and jumping to his feet. Within seconds, he had a duffel bag in hand and was packing his things.
In a blur of frantic motion, he sped around the house like a frightened animal.
He yanked clothing from the closets so hard that hangers flew everywhere. He snatched random things out of dresser drawers, scooped things off shelves, and dragged things out from under our bed.
One of those things was a metal suitcase where he kept his stash of gold coins he’d been accumulating.
More Gaslighting, Act II
His motives were out in the open now, so there was no need for him to mince words or waste any more time. He proceeded to open his briefcase and activate his series of launch codes. The next order of business was to totally destabilize my emotions by devaluing everything about the life we’d built together on his way out.
He was desperate–but not original. He hit me with the age-old (intelligence-insulting) cliche, “I love you, but I am not ‘in love’ with you anymore.” I have to admit; all I heard was, “I don’t love you anymore.” The sound of those words caused my visual and auditory perception to flip over into slow motion.
My thought processes were unaffected so my survival instincts took over. At warp speed, I replayed every conversation I could remember us having in recent years — searching for any clues I may have missed.
I found none.
I braced myself for what might come next. The announcement of another woman, perhaps?
Something’s Not Adding Up
How could this be happening? I wondered. There had been no perceptible warning signs … we’d had no arguments, and there were no disagreements of any significance.
I could think of nothing that even remotely signaled his discontent. Until this moment, I’d seen nothing that telegraphed a man unhappy in his marriage. As a matter of fact, a week earlier, he was showering me with gifts and and we were celebrating our anniversary.
The Machiavellian element of surprise made everything surreal. Perhaps this was just a dream, and I’d wake up, I thought. To test this this theory, I opened and closed my eyes several times, hoping to clear my visual field–hoping to see anything other than what I was seeing.
It didn’t work.
Had someone dropped me onto the set of a twisted, sick psychodrama in production?
If so, no one bothered to provide me with the script. I tried assuring myself that nothing this strange could ever be happening in real life.
But it was happening — and it was happening to me.
A Very Cinematic Exit
Once my husband concluded his abbreviated packing frenzy, he decided to gaslight me one more time for good measure.
The man who’d slept beside me for 10,592 days — and with whom I’d never had a significant disagreement — walked over, hugged me, and muttered, “Wow. I know I must be crazy. I can’t believe I’m doing this to someone who is the nicest person in the world.” (Who says that when they’re leaving someone?!) With that admission, he turned and walked down the sidewalk to his awaiting car — remotely started for ease of getaway. As he reached the vehicle, he placed his hand on the door-handle, and looked back at me one last time. He forced a smile, nodded like they do in the movies, got into his vehicle, and pulled away.
I was in shocked and numb — as if someone had electrocuted me.
Looking down at my hands, I could see that I was still alive. I could still think — but I could not verbalize or cry. I was unable to move, speak, or even take in a deep breath.
All I could do was watch in stunned silence as his car made its way out of the subdivision.
It was only when the faintest trail of red tail lights disappeared from my sight that I was able to move again.
I then turned and looked around the house in eeery silence, hoping to understand what had just happened.
How could it be?
My life with my husband vaporized in under an hour — yet inanimate objects remained intact. Our once-loving home had been imploded — yet it looked exactly like it did before. Something catastrophic had occurred here — yet ESPN still blared in the adjacent room as before.
I was sure of one thing. Something evil had blown through the space. A powerful, vacuum-like sensation left an uncomfortable chill in all the rooms. In an instant, all the energy and life force had been instantly sucked out of what had once been a home. I struggled to comprehend how the physical structure and contents of the house remained unchanged and intact after such a cataclysm.
Then it hit me: I had just witnessed a detonation of a neutron bomb.
Have you ever, after a period of no-contact, had a narcissistic ex show up unannounced, out of the clear blue sky? A lot of us have. When this happens, we often find ourselves stunned, bewildered, and scratching our heads. We’re stunned because these arrogant oddballs come waltzing back in—acting as if nothing happened.
Furthermore, if you’ve read more than one article on narcissism and narcissistic abuse, you know that ‘it’s all about them’. And it is.
There’s really no reason to be stunned by their audacity. These people have the emotional IQ of a pre-teen, so you’re unnecessarily burning brain cells if you think of them as evolved individuals—they’re not. They don’t have the ability to be evolved individuals.Simply put, they’re only spoiled children wearing grown-up clothes.
So Why Haven’t You Called?
In THEIR minds nothing really did happen. And since they did nothing wrong, then naturally they think you and everyone else should have been reaching out and contacting them. Put simply, you should have already been making your presence and inclusion known.
To them, it’s everyone else’s responsibility to regulate them. Someone else should make them feel good, keep them from being bored, and put up with their tantrums and selfishness.
The Short Attention Span Player
Think of them as that child who’s been obsessed with playing with a fascinating toy (you). Then, after a while, that child becomes bored, and puts that toy down. They sigh a heavy sigh … cock their head … look around … and think “what else is there to play with?”
Another way to frame this is to think of adult who—after channel surfing for a while—walks to the fridge and stands there looking at all the leftovers with the door open. They stand there scratching their head thinking “Do I really want something to eat?” After rummaging awhile, they they may find something, or they make that grimacing face and say, “Nah, I really didn’t want to eat, I was just bored” and leave the kitchen. When they reappear with their “Hello honey, it’s’ me!” entrance know this: you are simply the trinket of the moment—i.e., the walk to the fridge. Better yet, you’re the old abused toy, tattered blanket, or worn-out stuffed animal that Baby wants to soothe themself with for a moment.
What to Do When The Narcissist Walks Back Into Your Life Unannounced
Never forget that you were capriciously dropped on your head while you were in what you thought was a loving relationship.
If a narcissists walks back into your life unannounced (especially after a long period of no-contact) they are simply checking to see if you are going to allow yourself to be carried back to the toy box.
Be smart. Keep your boundaries. Don’t fall for the temporary human act.
Helping Others
Did your narcissist try to walk back and act as if nothing happened? If so, we’d all be interested in hearing how you handled it. Please take a moment and leave your response in the comment section below.
So there you sit, reeling from the shock. You just discovered you were married to (or in a relationship with) someone who could suddenly abandon you–and you never suspected it! Your Dr. Jekyll has suddenly become Mr. Hyde before your very eyes. Stunned and bewildered, you are gobsmacked by how the love of your life could flip identities and move on so quickly.
The answer is that you were most likely in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. These shapeshifting dark souls can suddenly become unrecognizable, completely reinventing themselves overnight.
Your soul is crushed. You feel demoralized as you look back at all the time you spent in commitment. You feel kicked in the gut as you look back at how you loved them unconditionally and always put them first. Worst of all, now you see that it meant nothing to them.
How is it that you have become Satan in their eyes within a matter of minutes? How do they now blame you for everything wrong with their life?
As a partner who’s been discarded and abandoned like yesterday’s trash, your heart feels like a dagger has been plunged into it.
Preemptively silenced by the crafty use of the element of surprise, you can do nothing but lick your wounds and begin thinking about how you’re going to salvage what’s left of your pride.
So Why Do Narcissists Reinvent Themselves Overnight?
To even begin to wrap your head around what’s happening and start the healing process, you must face some ugly truths. The first distasteful truth is that narcissists cannot maintain long-lasting monogamous relationships with anyone. In their way of thinking, partners are interchangeable.
Their value system is that, at any point in time, current spouse or partner can be swapped out for another, no notice necessary.
Along those same lines, accept the fact that many narcissists have no trouble whisking current biological children off the chess board and replacing them with a new set of children — biological children from the most recent Baby Mama. Prepare yourself for the social media insult that will surely follow. In other words, don’t be surprised when they heroically step in to become Parent Of The Year to a shiny new set of step-children.
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to share their seed with a long line of willing recipients. The names and faces are of no significance to them. All that matters is that there are enough people around to be a fountain of fawning, praise, power, and money. The narcissist wants/needs this adulation to validate the most current (in their mind: new and improved) version of their false self.
Narcissistic Abuse: A Gift That Keeps On Giving
It may not be until sometime after they’re gone that you discover that the person you thought was your soul mate had been having multiple affairs, a slew of mistresses, secret work romances (and God knows what else!) on the side. Please don’t waste your time or energy confronting them with your post-apocalyptic discoveries. They’re not likely to have any shame about their trail of betrayals and you will just look like the unhinged one. (Ask me how I know.)
Narcissists have a malignant personality disorder and it keeps them incapable of seeing their need to change. And why should they? … They ARE the center of the universe, don’t you know? You (on the other hand) are the one who has ‘issues’; You are the one who needs to change. Otherwise, why would they have been forced to dump you?
Tried In The Court Of Public Opinion
Sadly, you won’t be able to count on much help or sympathy from onlookers sitting in the cheap seats in the arena. This is a hard one to accept at a time when your wounding is so raw. However, keep in mind that just as you were so easily duped and taken in, the narcissist has hypnotized many others with their new identity. He/she needs them for moral support.
These onlookers may waste no time jumping on the bandwagon to have their vote counted against you.
This will delight your malignant narcissist. And God forbid if they happen to be a celebrity, venerated professional, or someone who is overly charming and popular. If that happens to be the case, excuses will always be made for your philandering narcissist. Narc admirers rush to forgive and forget even the most heinous deeds against you: the ‘crazy’ ex.
You can expect these victim of the spellcaster to also turn a blind eye to the old (stale) children from your union. However, they will be quick to cater to every whim of the newly inherited step-children or children of the affair partner.
Sleeping With The Enemy
If you were like me, you were caught off guard and had no idea you were sleeping with your enemy all those years. But the good thing is that, as painful as it is, you are facing the ugly truth. It takes times to grieve what you thought was a good life. While doing so, armor up with knowledge about narcissists and their manipulative power plays. Learn how to protect yourself on a go-forward basis. Stubbornly dig in and rebuild yourself a new life.
You’re only a victim if you choose to be. In fact, you’re light years better than them. Show it by holding your head up and focusing only on yourself and YOUR life. Let the narcissist self-destruct on their own. It’s only a matter of time. They’re a train wreck. Look away.
Getting over narcissistic abuse can be hard. It’s normal to focus on all the negatives and feel like a victim. (Many time we are!) That said, it’s important that we find a way to stay focused on ‘getting over’ it all and moving on.
I don’t need no reason — no reason to hang my head.~ Eric Clapton
The concept of this whole website was inspired by a wonderful song by Eric Clapton titled ‘Gotta Get Over’ (below). I can’t even tell you how many times I blasted this song inside my car during The Dark Days.
Gotta Get Over’ Sends A Valuable Message
To me, this song should be the official anthem for men and women making their way through their journey of narcissistic abuse recovery. I say that because it’s really hard to stay down in the dumps when you listen to this song.
One more day–one more truth … I’ve got to find that well! I can feel the flow–of the river taking me there … [The Good Lord only get you so far–then you got to help yourself.] So I ‘gotta get over’ … Get on over the The Good Side!
Take a Music Break
I invite you to take the time to listen to the words and feel the invigoration of music of this awesome song. Lay your cares down for a minute, then push Play. Enjoy an optimistic perspective for a few minutes. You deserve it.
WRITERS: Doyle Bramhall, Nikka Costa, Justin Stanley
LICENSES: Audiam (Label), UMG (on behalf of Polydor Records); Abramus Digital, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., MINT_BMG, BMG Rights Management (US), LLC, ARESA, SOLAR Music Rights Management, AMRA, CMRRA, LatinAutorPerf, AMRA BR, Spirit Music Publishing, Sony Music Publishing, and 9 Music Rights Societies
