Narcissists Reinvent Themselves Overnight

Narcissists Reinvent Themselves Overnight

When Dr. Jekyll Becomes Mr. Hyde

So there you sit, reeling from the shock. You just discovered you were married to (or in a relationship with) someone who could suddenly abandon you–and you never suspected it! Your Dr. Jekyll has suddenly become Mr. Hyde before your very eyes. Stunned and bewildered, you are gobsmacked by how the love of your life could flip identities and move on so quickly.

The answer is that you were most likely in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. These shapeshifting dark souls can suddenly become unrecognizable, completely reinventing themselves overnight.

Your soul is crushed. You feel demoralized as you look back at all the time you spent in commitment. You feel kicked in the gut as you look back at how you loved them unconditionally and always put them first. Worst of all, now you see that it meant nothing to them.

How is it that you have become Satan in their eyes within a matter of minutes?
How do they now blame you for everything wrong with their life?

As a partner who’s been discarded and abandoned like yesterday’s trash, your heart feels like a dagger has been plunged into it.

Preemptively silenced by the crafty use of the element of surprise, you can do nothing but lick your wounds and begin thinking about how you’re going to salvage what’s left of your pride.  

So Why Do Narcissists Reinvent Themselves Overnight? 

To even begin to wrap your head around what’s happening and start the healing process, you must face some ugly truths. The first distasteful truth is that narcissists cannot maintain long-lasting monogamous relationships with anyone. In their way of thinking, partners are interchangeable. 

Their value system is that, at any point in time, current spouse or partner can be swapped out for another, no notice necessary.

Along those same lines, accept the fact that many narcissists have no trouble whisking current biological children off the chess board and replacing them with a new set of children — biological children from the most recent Baby Mama. Prepare yourself for the social media insult that will surely follow. In other words, don’t be surprised when they heroically step in to become Parent Of The Year to a shiny new set of step-children.

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to share their seed with a long line of willing recipients. The names and faces are of no significance to them. All that matters is that there are enough people around to be a fountain of fawning, praise, power, and money. The narcissist wants/needs this adulation to validate the most current (in their mind: new and improved) version of their false self.  

Narcissistic Abuse: A Gift That Keeps On Giving

It may not be until sometime after they’re gone that you discover that the person you thought was your soul mate had been having multiple affairs, a slew of mistresses, secret work romances (and God knows what else!) on the side. Please don’t waste your time or energy confronting them with your post-apocalyptic discoveries. They’re not likely to have any shame about their trail of betrayals and you will just look like the unhinged one. (Ask me how I know.) 

Narcissists have a malignant personality disorder and it keeps them incapable of seeing their need to change. And why should they? … They ARE the center of the universe, don’t you know? You (on the other hand) are the one who has ‘issues’; You are the one who needs to change. Otherwise, why would they have been forced to dump you? 

Tried In The Court Of Public Opinion

Sadly, you won’t be able to count on much help or sympathy from onlookers sitting in the cheap seats in the arena. This is a hard one to accept at a time when your wounding is so raw. However, keep in mind that just as you were so easily duped and taken in, the narcissist has hypnotized many others with their new identity. He/she needs them for moral support. 

These onlookers may waste no time jumping on the bandwagon to have their vote counted against you.

This will delight your malignant narcissist. And God forbid if they happen to be a celebrity, venerated professional, or someone who is overly charming and popular. If that happens to be the case, excuses will always be made for your philandering narcissist. Narc admirers rush to forgive and forget even the most heinous deeds against you: the ‘crazy’ ex. 

You can expect these victim of the spellcaster to also turn a blind eye to the old (stale) children from your union. However, they will be quick to cater to every whim of the newly inherited step-children or children of the affair partner.

Sleeping With The Enemy

If you were like me, you were caught off guard and had no idea you were sleeping with your enemy all those years. But the good thing is that, as painful as it is, you are facing the ugly truth. It takes times to grieve what you thought was a good life. While doing so, armor up with knowledge about narcissists and their manipulative power plays. Learn how to protect yourself on a go-forward basis. Stubbornly dig in and rebuild yourself a new life. 

You’re only a victim if you choose to be. In fact, you’re light years better than them. Show it by holding your head up and focusing only on yourself and YOUR life. Let the narcissist self-destruct on their own. It’s only a matter of time. They’re a train wreck. Look away.


Masked Man


The Narcissist & Finances (Beware)

The Narcissist & Finances (Beware)

Know The Signs of Financial Abuse

It is imperative you know the signs of the financial abuse of the narcissist. If not, you may not discover the extent of the damage until after the discard. I was unaware of them and learned this lesson the hard way.

The FIRST thing my husband did when he woke up each morning was fire up his laptop and checked the bank balances. I thought absolutely nothing about this. I thought he was just one who liked to stay on top of things. Never in all those years did I think he was incrementally siphoning off $500 here, $2000 there, making it look like he was transferring money to the bill pay account. That’s because he’d been secretly taking my name off joint accounts, having our standard cards reissued to only his name, cashing in his 401 K (How? I have no idea … I would have had to sign), and so much more.

I set up thousands of dollars a month to go directly into savings, and I never looked at our accounts because I was too busy. My bank cards sufficed for everyday things like gas, coffee, food, etc., so I was an easy mark.

I was happy and content to let Dear Darling pay the bills while I worked way too many hours. As a result, he left with a LOT more than his clothes when he left.

Knw The Red Flags of Financial Abuse

Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC, wrote a wonderful article that was reviewed by The Scientific Advisory Board, staring that there are at least six types of financially abusive narcissists. They are:

  • The Asset Narcissist
  • The Banking Narcissist
  • The Credit Narcissist
  • The Taxes Narcissist
  • The Budgeting Narcissist
  • The Work Related Narcissist

Meet The Asset Narcissist

According to Hammond, the asset narcissist may come to the relationship with money that they will have no problem flaunting in front of you and others who are less fortunate. Don’t be surprised when you find yourself dependent on them for the necessities of life. They may also brazenly ‘appropriate as theirs’ financial resources you or your family members may have.

And here’s the kicker–they will expect everyone to not think a thing about it.

While we’re talking about family financial resources, they’ll expect inheritances and other things you are gifted during the relationship to be placed in their name. They will pressure you to give them full signing and managing authority for your assets but you can bet your last dollar that you will never be given access to anything of theirs.

These financial sharks will have and maintain plenty of other assets listed only in their name. Furthermore, they won’t express a twinge of guilt over destroying things of financial or emotional significance that you had prior to your relationship with them.

As if all that isn’t enough, they will have no problem callously canceling various types of your very necessary insurance–without your knowledge or consent. They’ll do this intentionally, to leave you in a vulnerable position. You can expect them to couch this and under the guise that those expenses were costly and you didn’t need.

The Banking Narcissist

Hammond further goes on to state that a banking narcissist will expect you to deposit your earnings into an account listed in their name; coincidentally, one to which you have no access.

Isn’t that convenient?!

In the event that you do have a joint account with them, expect for them to set it up or change it to where they are the only person able to access the records and online statements. They will make devaluing statement like you’re not good at taking care of financial matters so you need to leave everything up to them.

Last but not least on this list here for the banking narcissist is that you can expect them to have squirreled away money and have investments you know nothing about. Heaven help you if you ever question them or intimate that you suspect them of hiding funds.

Should you do this, expect a catastrophic response and explosion of rage.

The Taxes Narcissist

In the cases of divorce, even if you have been named the custodial parent for tax purposes, it’s not uncommon for a taxes narcissist to claim additional (fraudulent) tax credits.

They will boldly file taxes first and use your child’s social security number without get your permission or even attempting to discuss it with you.

If you’re still together and filing jointly, they will have no trouble padding deductions and expecting you to turn a blind eye. And, as happened to me, it not uncommon for them to liquidate tax-sheltered funds like IRA’s without your knowledge or consent.

The bottom line here is that they’re so grandiose and arrogant that they assume it’s your duty to ‘just trust’ them.

The Budgeting Narcissist

This kind of narcissist loves to wield power over you by creating circumstances that place you in a position where you have to to beg for the funds to meet your basic daily needs.

They will castigate you as they pontificate about their superior financial prowess and ability to budget well.

They then turn around and spend inordinate sums of money on expensive items for themselves, and then bash you for not being able to do so. In their way of seeing things, you don’t need the same kind of liberty. You can also expect to be punished with verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse should you find a way to garner a meager stash of your own money outside their clutches and control.

Work-related Narcissists

Finally, there’s the work-related narcissist that strive to keep you from advancing your career and independence. If they think they can get away with it, they will use the bully pulpit of religion (or outright coercion) to ‘forbid’ you from furthering your education or working outside the home.

Their goal is guarantee your total financial dependence on them.

If you happen to already have a job or career, one of their many sabotage tactics is to orchestrate a fight right before time for you to leave for work–hoping to get you in hot water for being late. Some narcissists have been known to hide your keys and lay on the guilt trip that ‘staying and working out your differences is more important than being on time.’

Seeing you as an indentured servant, they may expect you to work gratis for theirs or a family member’s business. If you happen to be in a relationship with a jealous or overly-controlling work-related narcissist, they will want to have access to your work-related communications. They will insert themselves into the details about your daily job. In severe cases, in addition to harassing you with calls and texts during the work day, they will manufacture dramas that will eventually get you terminated by your employer.

Of course, everyone else will be blamed for your firing in order to cover up the real instigator: your narcissist partner.

Additional Information

This has been a high-level summary some of the points Hammond made in her article. I am not a therapist or professional–only one who has been through this horrendous journey of healing. For further information on this and many other topics, I suggest you check out her excellent book: Abuse Exposed.

The Takeaway

  1. Familiarize yourself with the red flags of financial abuse by a narcissist. Establish and maintain financial independence.
  2. Always have your own accounts and do not blindly hand your earnings over to anyone else.
  3. Also educate yourself on personal finances, so you don’t live in what Hammond calls ‘a dictatorship’.
  4. And finally, be aware that you may have unwittingly gotten into a relationship with a financially abusive narcissists.

And to them, it’s all about one thing …

Credits: title header image credit: | video credit: “For The Love Of Money” YouTube, uploaded by OldschoolMusicJunkie, March 10, 2018,

Should I Contact A Ghosting Narcissist?

Should I Contact A Ghosting Narcissist?

Ghosting is Becoming More Prevalent

Ghosting is not just occurring in the dating or interview scenes. No, it’s getting more and more common for some people to uses this as a way to end long-term love relationships–even committed ones like marriage.

When people are ghosted in this manner, one of the plaguing questions they have is “Should I reach out to them?” As someone whose been there, my firm answer is a loud resounding “No!’ If you were ghosted, I say never to contact them at all.

First, Let’s Consider The Act of Ghosting

Like it or not, ghosting carries a very distinct message: ‘I don’t care for you enough to provide you with any kind of  explanation.’

It matters little if they disappeared suddenly because they didn’t want to be uncomfortable by having to have ‘the talk’. Any way that you slice it, the takeaway is that they view you as beneath them. Put another way, they are a despicable user of people. They find you disposable. In other words, whatever excuse you find more palatable, the fact remains that you’re still dealing with the same thing.

You didn’t deserve any of those options. Furthermore, you deserve a mature partner in a love relationship—not someone dysfunctional, arrogant, immature, and cowardly.

Ghosting Can Be A Wake-Up Call

Here’s the silver lining. The fact that that you would even consider further contact and want to pursue them is an indication that there is something unhealed within you (rejection wounds in childhood perhaps?)  This is something that only you (and hopefully a trauma therapist) can ferret out, but it definitely needs to be dealt with.

You never want to be in a relationship with someone out of need. Neediness is not alluring and I’m talking from experience here.  So do not pick up that phone. Resist the temptation to look at his or her social media. Do not text them. Remain No-Contact. SIn other words, just move on.

Lick your wounded ego. Preserve your dignity, and keep in mind that not everyone we take a liking to is good for us.

There is Life After Ghosting

I promise you that if you make the effort to do the work on yourself, you’ll find peace and a better life out there. So, do not become bitter and keep the door open and motor on.

It’s like my old southern Mama used to say “One monkey don’t stop no show’.

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